Advice Dude: Issue #1

Dear Advice Guy,

My boyfriend thinks it is really funny when he burps and farts. How can I get him to stop?

Sincerely,
Gassed Out

Well GO, you have a one of the most common complaints a woman can have about her boyfriend or husband. Flatulence is something that, as long as he is comfortable doing it around you, will probably never cease. That said I believe you have two options. Option one is to take away the comfort factor. This will be tricky because he probably enjoys making you slightly uncomfortable. I recommend public ridicule as you would do to a dog that urinates on a rug in a room full of people. Every opportunity you have to publicly scorn his “evacuation”, take it.

The second option could be a better approach as it can work two ways. It’s called the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” method. It goes like this: at lunch time for the next two weeks or so have meals that consist of really gassy foods-- food that will really stink up the place (i.e.: Broccoli, beans, hard boiled eggs, cucumbers, or whatever else works for your bio-chemistry). As evening approaches, take great pride in your newfound odorous emanations. Take it to the next level—ever heard of a “Dutch oven?” Well that’s where you stick you lover’s head under the blanket and hold it there while releasing a wrath of poison gas. If it works, you can call a truce and agree to stop farting in front of each other. If it doesn’t work… well maybe you and your lover will have a newfound passion to share.


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Dear Advice Guy,

I need to know the secret to getting chocolate chip cookies to come out of the oven and stay soft. I have tried all kinds of things like bake at a lower temp for longer and make sure the dough is room temp before baking but they still get hard after they have cooled down.

Thanks,
SG

The secret to soft chocolate chip cookies is quite simple actually. A lot of chefs will tell you that they have great gourmet recipes using organic flour and really expensive chocolate chips. However, I am a fan of the classics. I believe certain things should never be made “ gourmet”, especially Pizza, Burritos, and chocolate chip cookies. The best recipe for this classic is still the recipe on the back of the Toll House Morsels bag. That said, here are two very important things to remember: Always use real butter (never margarine or Crisco) and always use real vanilla. In fact, doubling or tripling the amount of vanilla required in the recipe is usually a good idea. Furthermore, follow the recipe! The Toll House bag says, “Cream the butter and sugar” so do just that, add all the ingredients in order

Lastly, how you bake your cookies is very important. Buy an oven thermometer and make sure your oven is preheated to the right temperature (usually around 350). Also, keep a close eye on them and take them out of the oven while they are still undercooked; I recommend taking them out while the outer ring of the cookie is golden brown, but the center is still slightly doughy. The cookie will continue to cook to perfection on the baking sheet while cooling.
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Dear Advice Guy,

I am an early forty-something guy, who very shortly will no longer be married. My intention was to get my life back together (emotionally, financially, metaphysically, etc.-ly) before even thinking about women. Well, low-and-behold up pops the devil -- and she's rather cute, and funny, etc. Thus, I have a dilemma. Do I do what I started out to do, or do I change the gameplan early in the first quarter?

Signed,
Ok, It's Not That Bad of A Problem

Well INTBOAP, you’re right and you’re wrong -- A lot of men would kill for your dilemma. However, most of them would probably make the wrong choice. The truth is that if you’ve been married for any length of time you most likely are not yet comfortable with yourself. Being Mr. & Mrs. ______ changes your views, beliefs, and lifestyle based on the age-old concept of marital compromise. It’s going to take a while to rediscover the “you” underneath Mr._____. I believe it’s essential to stay away from any sort of emotional distraction right now and concentrate on relocating that part of your self.

That said, I also don’t think that a rebound fling is necessarily a bad thing. The core matter seems to lye in emotional attachment. So if this is going to turn into a dating scenario I recommend staying away. But if it could be a short 3 or 4 time fling, go for it.

Dear Advice Guy,My mom keeps giving me a guilt trip about not being married and nothaving grandkids. All her friends have grandkids so I think she isfeeling peer pressure. How can I get her to lay off?

It has recently come to my attention that a woman’s maternal clock seems to have one of those dual alarm settings; one that begins to sound in the mid-to-late twenties and the other when their child reaches that age range. I too am a victim of such guilt trips and my only advice would be to tell you what I do. When the subject comes up I politely tell my mother that there are already enough unwanted children in the world and I would prefer not to be pressured into contributing to that. Then I assure my mother by telling her that when the time is right (probably a condom accident) I will have one. I end the conversation by telling her that she needs to back off with the guilt. Although my mother still brings it up from time-to-time, she has greatly reduced the guilt and consistency.
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If you have any questions for "The Advice Guy"
please email me at mikeb@sfobserver.com