The Kackistocrat's Handbook for the Recently Deceased.

My childhood was typical--summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds; pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of 14 a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles . There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking…I suggest you try it -- Dr. Evil

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Location: Richmond, California, United States

Thursday, September 22, 2005

You Think He'll Get A Slap on the Wrist?

OKLAHOMA CITY (AP) — Jurors and others in Judge Donald Thompson's courtroom kept hearing a strange whooshing noise, like a bicycle pump or maybe a blood pressure cuff. During one trial, Thompson seemed so distracted that some jurors thought he was playing a hand-held video game or tying fly-fishing lures behind the bench.

The explanation, investigators say, is even stranger than some imagined: The judge had a habit of masturbating with a penis pump under his robe during trials.

The lurid allegations have led to criminal charges against Thompson, brought an embarrassing end to a solid career and shocked many of his colleagues. The case could also lead to a wave of appeals from defendants claiming that the judge was not paying attention while presiding over their cases.

Thompson, a 58-year-old married father of three grown children, has denied the allegations, and said the pump was just a gag gift received from a hunting buddy on his 50th birthday. He retired in August after being threatened with removal from the bench, but still faces indecent-exposure charges brought against him last month.

"We're certainly saddened by the thought that the prosecutor filed charges," said Clark Brewster, Thompson's attorney. "We thought all this was dealt with when he resigned. We didn't feel like anything that was alleged rose to the level of criminal charges."

The trials during which he allegedly used the pump included murder cases as well as a libel suit in which a jury ordered the company that publishes The Oklahoman, a Web site and a TV station to pay $3.7 million.

Oklahoma Attorney General Drew Edmondson, who filed the paperwork to remove Thompson from the bench, said he would be surprised if the scandal did not lead to appeals. But he said: "I don't know if they will be successful. They will still have to show actual prejudice to the point that something was done in error."

Jim Wall, police chief in the small town of Sapulpa, said he had heard rumors of the judge's behind-the-bench activities for about a month, but added: "You've got the most powerful man in Creek County, and I think a lot people were intimidated by him."

Police built a case against the judge after one of Wall's officers testified during a 2003 murder trial. From the witness stand, the officer saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson's robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.
Investigators later collected carpet samples, Thompson's robes and the chair from behind the bench, and found semen, according to court records.

A former state legislator and a judge with more than 20 years on the bench in Creek County in eastern Oklahoma, Thompson was well-liked in the community and had helped many young prosecutors and judges learn their jobs. But those who know him said he had become withdrawn in the past few years.

Thompson's court reporter, Lisa Foster, told authorities that she saw him use the pump at least 10 times during trials. She said the first time in court was in 2000, but she did not tell authorities. "I didn't want to be found dead in a ditch somewhere," she told The Associated Press.

Foster told authorities she saw Thompson use the device almost daily during the August 2003 murder trial of Kevin Vomberg, a man accused of shaking a toddler to death. The case ended in a hung jury. The whooshing sound could be heard on Foster's audiotape of the trial.
When jurors at the trial asked the judge about the sound, Thompson said he hadn't heard it, but would listen for it.

Foster and a bailiff were fired by Thompson after giving statements against him.
"I always thought he was an excellent trial judge," said Don I. Nelson, who tried more than 40 cases before Thompson as the prosecutor assigned to his court.

Nelson handled a murder trial during which authorities say Thompson used the pump. The jury ended up convicting the defendant on the lesser charge of manslaughter.

"I never heard anything that was going on," Nelson said. "I was completely shocked and couldn't believe it."

Article URL: http://www.courttv.com/people/2005/0208/judge_ap.html

Monday, September 19, 2005

It's Been a While

MARSEILLE, France (Reuters) - A Frenchman in his sixties lived for five years with the body of his dead mother to keep receiving her 700 euros monthly pension, judicial sources said Saturday.

The man, a hospital morgue worker, is to be prosecuted for fraud and concealing a death Saturday after police found the corpse in a two-room apartment in the city center in piles of rubbish.

Police went to the flat because of unpaid rent and other bills. The man had imitated an old woman's voice to deceive the social services.
His mother had died of natural causes at the age of 94.
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Another Underreported Success Story in the Rebuilding of Iraq: "Abu Mustafa" (a nickname) is part of a small market of vendors of pornographic videos operating in Baghdad, according to an August Reuters dispatch, and sells about 50 DVDs a day, with movies from Lebanon and other Arab countries the most popular. "I tried lots of other jobs," he said, but this was his most promising opportunity (although he said the righteous Shi'ite Badr Brigades have threatened to kill him and his approximately 30 competitors in the Bab al-Sharjee neighborhood). [Reuters, 8-10-05]
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In May, the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation made a $700,000 grant to a World Wildlife Fund program to protect the apparently gorgeous forests in the Himalayan nation of Bhutan even though (according to a 2003 report in National Geographic) the recipient of the attention, the Sakteng Wildlife Sanctuary, was explicitly created to protect Bhutan's version of "Bigfoot." Bhutan's "yeti" is called the "migoi" and is about 5 feet tall, covered with hair except for a face, smells horrible, and disguises its four-legged tracks by carefully making sure to leave only two prints. [Environmental News Service, 5-4-05; National Geographic News, 10-23-03]
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(1) Arlyne Reiter, of Pompano Beach, Fla., describing the experience of having just arisen in the morning to encounter an iguana in her bathroom: "It was like Jurassic Park in my toilet." (2) Connecticut saddle-maker Mike Derrick, on why he set up a booth in Boston at the August Fetish Fair Fleamarket: He could spend six hours creating a bridle for a horse and earn $40, he said, but "make one for a human, $120." [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 8-22-05] [Boston Herald, 8-7-05]
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The last three came from News of the Weird

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Pic of the Day

The Bush Boys visit Bourbon Street in New Orleans

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I Love the Onion...

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts have reported seeing African Americans "looting snacks and beer from damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in New Orleans to "tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit" and gnaw on their own bootstraps for sustenance. "Government handouts are not the answer," Bush said. "I believe in smaller government, which is why I have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear at them like a starving animal." Responding to reports that many Katrina survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, "Only when you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the American dream."

Thursday, September 01, 2005

How to be the most popular person in your office.

This got forwarded to me from a friend who saw it on the PhantasyPhish board.

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, andthen punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you were just kidding and tell them that they are all a bunch of fucking queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting, put one finger in the air and make a noise like you are hocking up a loogie. Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, "Beat that."

7. Inform a male co-worker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker." Then piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass fucking.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand down your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "Fuck if I know" then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even correspond to their actual race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them all sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hands.

3. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it,tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up, and realize that their hand is covered in shit, laugh and point at them and call them a fucking asshole.

2. Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over and Yell, "Itwon't stop! Help me!" Then when it stops, look down and say "Oh."

1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick it in your ass. Take it back to the person you borrowed from and ask them to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad, tell them, "It should. I had it in my ass."

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